


15x04 CODA

by Taybay14



Series: Season 15 CODAs [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15. 4, A long few weeks..., Angst, Coda, Denial of Feelings, I didn't give them one..., I'm Sorry, It's been a long day..., Longing, Men Crying, Season 15, Spoilers, These boys just need a break..., angry, argument, coda 15.4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 23:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21364618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taybay14/pseuds/Taybay14
Summary: Dean spends all night driving, his mind churning chaos with every mile. It gets even worse once Sammy falls asleep. Then Dean can openly study his little brother. See the bags under his eyes. The knots in his hair. The way his bottom lip is chapped from gnawing on it - a habit he used to have as a little boy.The way his shoulders sag under the weight of the world, sleep not being enough to give him relief.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Season 15 CODAs [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514210
Comments: 22
Kudos: 107





	15x04 CODA

Dean spends all night driving, his mind churning chaos with every mile. It gets even worse once Sammy falls asleep. Then Dean can openly study his little brother. See the bags under his eyes. The knots in his hair. The way his bottom lip is chapped from gnawing on it - a habit he used to have as a little boy. 

The way his shoulders sag under the weight of the world, sleep not being enough to give him relief. 

As the sun begins to rise, Dean pulls the impala over and quietly slips out. He sits on the hood. Takes out his flask. Stares off into the distance. 

The sunrise this morning isn't soft or pretty. There are no cotton candy pinks and blues. No faded rays of sunshine peeking through fluffy clouds. Just blood red seeping into the golden glow of his son’s eyes. 

It's violent. 

Agonizingly beautiful. 

Breathtaking in the way you lose air when your heart is ripped from your chest.

When a knife if stabbed in your gut. 

When your mom dies. 

When your son dies. 

When the love of your life says he's moving on. 

It's a breathlessness that burns and aches, keeping him on the edge tears. He sips his whiskey, but it doesn't do any good. Any second now, he will have to blink, and the first tear will fall. 

"Dean?"

Startled, Dean accidentally allows his eyes to close, one tear from each one breaking free. He slaps a hand over his face and scrubs it clean before turning to give his little brother a sticky smile. "Mornin' sleepin' beauty."

Sam stares at him for a moment, not moving. "You okay?"

"’Course. Just takin' a moment to appreciate the sunrise." He gestures to the sky, tilts his smile so it comes off playful, chuckles under his breath and pretends it doesn’t hurt. "Gotta enjoy the little things, right?"

Sam doesn't even look at the sky. 

"You know… Cas is at Jody's."

Dean looks down at his flask, then out at the sky. He takes a gulp of whiskey and holds it on his tongue until it burns worse than Sam's words. 

After he swallows, he nods once and says, "I'm aware."

"We're not too far from there. Could make it by dinner."

"He doesn't-" Dean pauses, staring at the sky with wide eyes until he's certain he won't cry when he blinks. "He doesn't want me there, Sammy."

"Bullshit."

"Sammy-" Dean warns.

"You're just too stubborn to admit you were an idiot. Too stubborn to admit he didn't deserve any of the blame you put on him. You're too-"

"Sammy-"

"- full of pride to just admit you're wrong and  _ apologize _ !"

“I’m not wrong! He killed my fucking mom!”

“Our mom, Dean.  _ Our  _ mom.” Sam stalks forward, face bright red. “And Jack killed her. Not Cas. Cas wasn’t anywhere near them.”

Dean throws his hands up and sputters, “Well, he knew he was dangerous, and he didn’t say-”

“Coming from the guy who just admitted that he would have done the same thing for Jack that Billy’s parents did for him? We would have turned the world upside down for that kid, Dean! You can’t blame Cas for feeling the same way about our son that we do.”

Turning his back to keep Sam from seeing the tears Dean can no longer keep under control, Dean growls, “It’s different.”

“How?”

“Well, for one, Billy’s parents communicated! They were in it together! Cas kept secrets.”

“Oh. Right. Cas was bad at communicating. Yes. Fuck Cas, right? Screw him. What a dick. Dead to us. Dead to you,” Sam spits sarcastically. He grabs Dean’s bicep and yanks, spinning him around so they’re face to face. His expression softens ever so slightly when he sees that Dean is crying, but it doesn’t stop him. “Funny, though, because it seems like  _ you’re  _ the one that’s refusing to communicate with  _ him _ . He’s tried apologizing, even though he shouldn’t have to. He’s been turning himself inside out trying to talk to you. Trying to make you understand.”

“Sam-”

“You know what I think? You won’t talk to him because you  _ do  _ understand. You don’t need an explanation from him, because he did absolutely  _ nothing  _ wrong! But you can’t admit that, because that makes you the bad guy, and god forbid you be the bad guy, right Dean? When it’s just so much easier to put it all on Cas?”

Dean fists the front of Sam’s shirt and growls in frustration. “Shut. Up.”

“You’re being selfish. You know what I’d do if I could see Jess again? God, Dean, I miss her so fucking much I can’t breathe, and you just - you just,” now Sam’s the one crying, his words crumbling into nothing more than wrecked sobs. 

The moment Dean’s hand relaxes, releasing Sam, Sam’s falling forward into his big brother’s arms. Dean holds him close and rubs circles on his back. “It’s okay, Sammy. It’s okay.”

“Don’t you miss him?” Sam asks between cries, the words rough and garbled. “How do you even function without him?”

Instead of answering with the truth, instead of admitting to Sam that Dean doesn’t function without Cas, he barely manages to stay alive, Dean steps back from his brother and gives his bicep a comforting squeeze. “Let’s just go home. Everything will be better once we’re home.”

They both know it’s a lie. 

It’s such a goddamn lie. 

But Sammy’s too drained and hopeless to point it out. 

And Dean?

Dean knows if he admits to that, he’ll turn left instead of right, and he’ll be at Jody’s in six hours. 

Sometimes it’s just better to agree with the lie. 

Safer. 

Because if Dean turns right, if he goes back to the bunker, Cas can stay the bad guy. And one day, it’ll get easier to breathe without him. It has to. 

It just… has to. 

Maybe after that, Dean will be able to find a sunrise beautiful again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to check out my tumblr @ destiel-love-forever to see more of my work, send prompts, chat with me, see ways to support me, etc <3


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